Satire

 

Redefining adolescence: Scientists investigate the new "Man-baby" phenomenon. 

Brielle Atwell, Student Reporter

November 30th, 2025

(Warning: This is a work of student satire and is meant for entertainment purposes only.)

Some time ago, a leaked “young” Republican group chat revealed that even fully grown men, complete with 401(k)s and receding hairlines, still cling to the signature defense “boys will be boys.” Vice President JD Vance defended these “young” republicans by stating, “I really don’t want us to grow up in a country where a kid telling a stupid joke, a very offensive, stupid joke is cause to ruin their lives,”.

Sociologists have recently turned their focus to a curious specimen known as “The Boy.” His natural habitat includes locker rooms, online forums, and he was recently spotted in private political group chats. When “the boy” is faced with evidence of inappropriate behavior, his defense mechanism is simple yet timeless: “Boys will be boys.”

Researchers have begun studying new specimen group referred to as “boys” with ages ranging from 18-40 years old. In order to observe them in their natural habitats, which in slang is referred to as “mother’s basement,” researchers have been taking precautions to observe through hidden security cameras and microphones. They dress in trash bags to ensure they don’t attract too much of the “boys” attention. It seems to be working so far, allowing us to move in closer to the specimen. One of our researchers has learned that the age of the “boy” has no impact on his emotional or behavioral maturity levels.

To make matters more complicated, young men everywhere have started protesting women’s ideal of “what it means to be a real man”. Today’s young men don’t want anything to change within the system and seem willing to accept any provocative ideal thrown their way.

They have now started a petition to legally change the legal age of adult men to 50 to redesignate them as kids to justify JD Vance defending participants in the group chat.

When asked if the legal drinking age should be changed for men as well, their defense was that we’re only changing the age of adults, not the drinking age. They say their bodies are developed enough for the drinking age to remain 21 because they have some hair on their chest, but the age of becoming an adult must change because they are not mentally an adult until age 50. There is talk though because of their argument that the drinking age should be changed to 71 to help ensure cognitive development is thoroughly developed before being potentially damaged by alcohol.

The debate continues whether whether to only change only one of these legal ages. If we only change the age of when boys become men then we are allowing kids to drink. If they’re not mentally an adult until 50, they should not be drinking or making choices on behalf of our country. I’m not so sure I want boss baby in real life, I don't trust babies in suits and ties.

 

 

Tips on How to Survive Thanksgiving

Aybrei Jacobs, Student Reporter

(Warning: This is a work of student satire and is meant for entertainment purposes only.)

Since Halloween is over, we are on to the next holiday of the season, Thanksgiving. I think we can all agree that Thanksgiving can be difficult to handle, whether it be pesky family members or suspicious looking food. Whatever the problem may be, Thanksgiving can often feel like a nightmare. Here are some tips and tricks on how to survive the holiday.

Read more here: TipsonHowtoSurviveThanksgivingTheAllenFlame.pdf